The Unwelcome, 3:00am Mom Brain

Ever wonder what it’s like inside the mind of a mom who is awake with anxiety at 3:30am?

I drank too much wine at dinner. I hope I’m not hurting my kidneys. I’m glad my kids aren’t old enough to notice when mommy is a little tipsy.

I’m thankful for my family- more than I tell them and I aught to do that more becuase you never know

I am thankful my children are not yet aware of the world’s evil

I am terrified that one day they will be faced with that evil and I won’t be able to save them

I feel guilt for being worried about the unlikely possibility the terror many children and mothers face as a daily part of life will one day be at our doorstep

I am avoiding my email because there are notices reminding me not to ignore my student loans and it makes my stomach turn

I feel shame for being anxious about things in my life when others have it so much worse and would love to only have the problems I do

Does anyone ever even read the things I write?

I’m pretty sure I’m failing at life

Homeschool starts on Wednesday… Am I really ready for this?

I need more music students so I can contribute to my household

Why is finding reliable childcare so hard?

Why does our culture hate children so much?

My house is a mess and it makes me look like a bad mom and a wife who doesn’t care.

No one knows how much laundry I do before noon every day. Not even me… But it’s loads. (Hahaha! – 3am makes things funny sometimes)

Being a mom is hard and terrifying and sometimes down right sad, but shut up because; hooray life! and there are people who are dying and losing all that matters and whatever I think is almost too hard to bear is what those people eat for breakfast, so suck it up, buttercup. Things are rough all over.

I’ve not stepped foot in the gym since June and it shows- I’m such a hypocrite and my pants don’t fit anymore and I feel pretty awful about it.

I secretly worry that every parenting choice I’ve made is wrong and that I’m going to ruin my children. When that happens, everyone will laugh and say “toldja so”.

I worry I’ll give someone bad advice and it will be harmful to them and their families

I hate disappointing people, so I haven’t called Verizon to cancel our internet yet, but time warner is coming to install our new system tomorrow. Another fail. I’m so lame… LOL

I let my kids eat hot dogs for dinner. Again. I suck.

When I get super depressed I can’t tell anyone because mom doesn’t have time to be sad and again, things are tough all over. Suck it up- you’re alive, you have a house, family, car and groceries. Get some perspective, sheesh.

I hope nothing bad happens to the dog.

I hope the cat doesn’t get hit by a car.

I hope I don’t have a disease that I just don’t know about yet. *considers every off feeling or random unexplained pain I’ve experienced for the last month*

I hope my children are as healthy as they seem to be… I’m so thankful for their good health

I’m gonna be late paying for dance class this month and I don’t even know if she really even wants to go anymore

Should I have gone back to work after all?

I hope that pain in my head isn’t something dangerous…

My kid’s favorite show is about a family who fights monsters. Super cool except when the little one tells people all about the one-eyed demon who gets in your mind and then you begin to rethink your choices…

I hope I am helping people. I hope I matter and that I am making a positive difference in someone’s life.

I really am happy most of the time… but at 3am, it sometimes doesn’t feel like it.

*sigh* I am soooooo tired.

I look over at my sleeping family and I know all of this is worth it.  All of this is okay.  I will be okay, and so will they.

The idea of actually sharing any of this with people I hardly know kind of terrifies me, but I’m gonna do it anyway because I’ll bet someone else needs to know that these, and many other frustrating, scary, sometimes debilitating thoughts are not unusual.

Waking at 3am questioning your life’s decisions is actually a lot more common than you probably realize and if this happens to you, please know you’re not alone. This is just the stuff going on in my head right now, but your version could look much different. I know mine did a few years ago…

Panic, anxiety & depression are real and terrible things and often creep in like long shadows on the wall at twilight and grow more terrible the darker it gets. You don’t often realize just how dark it is until you can no longer see your fingers when you hold them up.

Even if it only happens once in a blue moon, it still matters and you still deserve to know that you are okay.

Just remember; it will be morning soon and there will be smiling faces and coffee (or tea, if you prefer) waiting to be made to chase away the shadows.

There is faith, love, and things to do and you are okay. You will always be okay because you know there is no choice. Most importantly, there are people you can talk to- family, friends, and beyond that- people who spent 8+ years and several thousands of dollars to learn how to help you and most of them actually, genuinely want to.  There are resources to help, natural ways to deal with this (I just put my oil blend for anxiety on and I already feel much better).

Don’t be afraid to share the 3am madness and don’t be ashamed for having it. Most people do, they just don’t want to admit it.

Most of all, sometimes you just need to hear this and believe it- You are stronger than you think. You are braver than you feel. You will be okay. You are not alone.

*yawn*

… I’m going to try and go back to sleep now, you should too. Tomorrow will be here soon.